The First Step
Today I was frozen in fear.
I have always had a fear of falling. Falling in particular, not to be confused with a fear of heights. I have no problem walking along the edge of a cliff or being in a high rise building. Instead, I hate the feeling you get when you are rushing through the air like your heart is being pushed through your chest by the wind.
Some of my earliest and most recurring nightmares are of jumping down a long flight of stairs, and as soon as I hit the bottom I wake up in a panic. As a result, I was never much for ziplines or jumping from heights.
When I was 13 some friends and I spent an hour jumping from the second level of a barn into a pile of hay. In reality, they spent an hour, and it took me 45 minutes to decide to do my first jump.
I no longer wish to be defined by my fears.
To that end, this weekend I went skydiving by myself. In order to conquer my fear, I decided the best course of action was approach it with no support system. This way, the victory would be all mine. I drove in silence for the one hour ride to the drop zone, my mind continually picturing the future ahead.
I found out at the small airport that the airplane held two and that the other tandem jumper was also there for his first time. He seemed positively excited about the prospect.
The two “instructors” who were to jump with us couldn’t have been more different. The first, James, was quite and calm, he seemed incredibly professional and his demeanor helped to quell my anxiety. His partner, Tyler, on the other hand was something else; with dirty blond hair, a pair of beaten up Ray-Bans and an assortment of tattoos covering his body, he looked straight out x-games. I overheard him mention to the first instructor that he had been up til 0400 the that morning and what a crazy night he had. Needless to say, I was relieved James introduced himself as the one I would be jumping with.
The walk up to the airplane and the slow ride to 10,000 feet was an experience I will never forget. Even though I had declined the picture and video package, they took video anyway and tried to sell me on it after the fact. The videos they took of me were undoubtedly not the most exciting they had ever witnessed, as in my nervousness I barely answered when I was asked if I was excited. My exact words were “it will probably be fun” in the most monotone voice James had likely ever heard from someone about to jump out of a plane.
On the ride up, my leg would not stop shaking, and I am sure it was plainly visible to all 4 of us in the back of the plane. When James instructed me to shimmy forward towards the tarp covering the “door” in the plane I felt like I was in a trance, barely believing that in less than 60 seconds I would be jumping out of a perfectly good, if a little old, airplane. As I rolled the tarp back and strapped it open, I couldn’t help but observe the ground below and I almost felt that this was all a dream. Even as James ever so slowly rolled me forward out of the plane, I almost couldn’t believe what was happening.
As soon as we rolled out however, gravity grabbed us and I was immediately caught up by the rushing wind. My mind went blank, I was frozen, and I felt as if I would stay that way forever. It took six pats on the arm from James for me to shake off my trance and let go of the straps around my torso. I then felt a thrill of adrenaline that I have never felt before, an almost intoxicating dump of hormones that told me I was doing something highly unnatural and yet thrilling.
This excitement was cut short however when James pulled the parachute and we jerked to a slowed decent. The final parachute ride was uneventful and more terrifying than freefall, as it gave me time to comprehend how high we were as every dip towards the ground made my stomach do flips. We landed gently, sliding into the field on our backsides.
After cooling down from the adrenaline rush I approached the packer/front desk girl about purchasing a couple pictures for $30-$50. I didn’t want to pay the ~$150 that the entire video package was, however I thought it would be fun to have 2-3 pictures of me in freefall. After a quick call with her supervisor she informed me that they would only sell the entire package and therefore I was out of luck. At least I gave it a shot.
My Final Thoughts:
I am glad I took the time to go skydiving. It helped me to look my fear in the face and recognize that it is unfounded. I am beginning to realize how crippled I have become due to fear and uncertainty. I will strive to face more of my fears and through exposure learn to embrace the joy of life.
Thomas Reed
